Uncertainty

Ever since my plane landed back in the States life has been, unsurprisingly, different. And by different, I mean boring. I have made a moderate effort to keep things interesting by taking up hobbies I always promised I’d get around to (learning to knit and play guitar) and doing random touristy things here in Atlanta. The recent warm weather put me in a slightly better mood, but school has really had it in for me this semester. I went in fired up to be productive, efficient, and organized about everything school related, especially since I don’t have a job right now, and it all went to hell in a hand bag by the second week of school and has continuously gone downhill from there.

I have no motivation to do the readings, write the papers, stay on top of email, keep my finances organized and up-to-date, you get the picture. You name it and I have neglected it. And most noticeably is this blog. I’m not suffering from any lack of inspiration–there’s plenty of that going on, just a lot of doubt and uncertainty about my ability to recognize my dreams and see them through to fruition.

No doubt my looming graduation date (December 2009) is doing nothing to help matters. I no longer have any idea of what I want to do with my life. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. I have lots of ideas, but none of them are “mainstream” (and thus, my family thinks I’m crazy). I recently took the first step towards moving to Israel next year, and that involved emailing the seminary program I want to attend about the program, admissions requirements, and how much it costs. Given that parents will not be supporting me financially once I graduate means I either need to get a job and save up the money I’ll need for the entire year I’ll be in the program (possibly a little less) or I need to create a somewhat passive form of income. Passive meaning not having to physically show up somewhere to have a little money deposited into my bank account once or a few times a month. Those options are few and far between, but short of a .com startup, it leaves me with selling photography or getting paid to write/edit. I would love to set up an Etsy shop and sell photography prints, but I currently only have a handful of worthy prints and (as mentioned above) a lack of belief in myself and my abilities. All Internet options require lots of time, effort, and dedication–not to mention marketing–before you ever really start to see money, much less the kind I’ll need to live off and pay the tuition for the program for a year.

However, I took the first step towards making one of these dreams come true, so expect a surprise in the next few days (possibly a couple of weeks depending on how much time I have).

“Take the first step, and your mind will mobilize all its forces to your aid. But the first essential is that you begin. Once the battle is startled, all that is within and without you will come to your assistance.” — Robert Collier

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